I've just been on a spiritual high the past few days! So here I am writing another blog about life and some of the lessons I've been learning when I probably should be writing my 10 page paper. I am going to give a quick foreword to what I will be discussing in this blog. This is a blog about dating (again, but not rules for me this time haha) so therefore a lot of what I say has emotional baggage, and may not come out the way I want to. I do not intend to discriminate against anyone or their choices. I do not intend to confess perfect understanding or perfection in these matters. I also do not intend to offend anyone. These are simply observations and lessons learned that I feel to share, and the anecdotes provided are meant to illustrate, but may not apply to the generalizable public. Please just keep and open mind, and understand these are just my thoughts.
With that opening I'm guessing that you are thinking I'm going to be super serious. However, I want to be joyful in what I share! My thoughts are concerning dating. Specifically I want to address the often used proverbial phrase "He/She is the one." For the longest of times, and even every now and then I would get confused, angered, bitter, and terrified by this phrase. You hear it all of the time when people talk in retrospect (looking back/hindsight) about their significant other. You also hear it, although far less often nowadays, in reference to the search (dating) for "the one."
This made me confused first and foremost because it sounded like God determined that we had to marry that person! Not only is this logic riddled with fallacy, but it never seemed to work that way for me! I could never find the one! I became angry and bitter. Every time someone told me I was "so amazing" and then rejected me drove the pain even closer to the heart and I became even more bitter! Why not me if I'm "so amazing"? That angry was coupled with fear that I would never find someone. Eventually I would be caught in a miserable and bitter cycle. Thankfully the Lord is ever so patient with me. He would bring me peace to last just a little bit longer. During those times He would whisper me one of these lessons, and little by little my heart and my nature has started to change.
First lesson: humility. What if God told us who to marry? Even though it is the one thing we know He will never do because there is no "one" but what if he did? Just like Abraham knowing that God would never ask him to sacrifice Isaac, yet God asked him to. Do we have the faith and the humility to accept that? This is the attitude we must have! Understand that 99% of the time it won't happen like that; however, that is no excuse for a prideful condition of our heart to not be willing to accept His counsel or commandment if it comes. (look up the talk entitled "but if not"April Gen'l Conference 2004) This a short yet most powerful lesson and key to dating!
Second lesson: agency is key. Brethren, I'm sorry but be honest, do any of you feel bitter in the slightest bit when a girl chooses to go on a mission rather than date? Recently I made a comment on Facebook about the prevalence of female attendance at Marriage prep courses correlated with the lack of desire to date and an the excuse being going on a mission. Many people laughed and said something like "girls don't know what they want" but some people were quite offended, "why not go on a mission?!" "going to the class doesn't mean I'm ready, or I have to get married now!"I sat back and laughed, though admittedly I wished I was more clear in expressing my comment as being sarcastic. Wow, why are we so ashamed of the choices we make that at times we feel we have to defend it? I'm sorry boys, but they have made a choice between two goods, and it is because they have agency. Agency is the ability to choose between good and evil, but that does not mean that every choice has to be one or the other. It is possible to exercise that agency to choose between two goods! Is it hard and frustrating? Yes! Girls, yes it can be really really hard, especially when we think you are so amazing yet leaving on missions, please at least recognize that! However, do not be ashamed to go!
By that same token, girls recognize that men make choices too! Yes I just said "you are all amazing" and you stand back and say "then why doesn't he want to date me?" First off, agency. Secondly, it would be impossible to ever get married if we had to date every single person who was amazing. A choice must be made! Both genders are imperfect and therefore are never going to be perfect at choosing a significant other that is perfect. True some are better than others, but sometimes we choose less. Either because we never got the chance to explore others, or simply because we chose. The trick though is to be honest and very specific in expressing that you made the choice. Like saying that you are not interested in someone. If you say that you'd better mean it. If you say "right now", then be ready to accept the consequences of expressing that. What I'm saying is that we do have a choice, but we also have an obligation to be honest with others. Anything else and we end up in the painful mess that happens all too often! If you want to know further what I mean by agency and there being many good choices to choose from, please read on!
Third lesson learned: what is really meant by "it just felt right/he or she was the one." My brother just got married and told me that he knew he was to marry his wife because "it just felt right." That is the seemingly universal sentiment shared by everyone who has a significant other! Those are not determinant feelings! Its not because Charisse was "the one" for my brother but because she was a wonderful, choice daughter of God! She was approved of the Lord! Not just for my brother, but I believe it could have been so for many others. I am glad that they chose each other! I do not fully understand God's guiding process in dating, but I do know He wants us to be happy. He brings people to our lives that are wonderful for us! And we, and they can choose! One of the most humbling experiences for me was when I realized that God knows the type or kind of person who I would be good with and I finally recognized that He has opened so many doors for me to meet those types of people! God can do the same for you! And some girl/guy may feel right, but chooses to pursue others! Great! Learn to find joy in his or her happiness!
Corollary to lesson 3: God can approve many many people. There are thousands of doors that "just feel right" It could be that we choose to not step through one door even though we both feel good about it. It could be that we are scared. It could be we chose a mission. It could be financial reasons. It could be a thousand other reasons, and guess what? That's okay! We choose those reasons, THEY DO NOT CHOOSE US! It is okay to choose not to pursue someone, or when someone chooses that in regards to us. Albeit, that doesn't make it less painful, but choosing to feel pain is a reflection on the right reasons and feelings you have for that person. We are moral agents whose whole beings are directed toward relationships with others! And it hurts when those relationships are hindered in some way. However, God will be faithful and keep opening doors! Eventually you will step through one to find an eternal companion on the other side waiting at the altar, and that will be the greatest day of all!
Now these are only a few of the things that I have learned. They do not express the full feelings of the spirit that I have felt. They are not meant to be prescriptive in nature, rather descriptive of the dating experience and of the love of God for all of us! Let us have faith. If it feels right, or you know that someone you have met is wonderful, give it a chance. He/she or you may choose to make something of it. Or, you may choose otherwise. That is the way life is; agency is who we are! And if you are struggling with faith, choose now to test the faith and take a leap. Don't let the past weigh you down! Embrace the future and increase your faith! This is not something to be feared, but something to be excited about! I testify of God's love for us! His understanding and patience! Let us be more patient with Him and with those whom we date!
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