My last blog was a year ago, and man so much has changed since then that I feel like a totally different person since last I wrote. I will be honest, I've discovered (or realized) since then that writing really is a great outlet for me. Whether its writing a blog, writing a ridiculously demanding philosophy paper (thank you BYU education), or writing down notes from my scripture study, I tend to be able to learn some of life's greatest lessons as I am writing and gain stronger testimony of my life. The spirit often directs the words as I write or type to teach me, not knowing beforehand what I am to really write about (thanks Nephi). So, I ask that you excuse me for a minute while I write a blog partially out of selfish reasons, for I desperately need some inspiration today (night, its midnight). Of course, my hope as always is that my inspiration can be shared by someone else seeking answers or in need of heaven's help.
Why, you might ask do I stand in need of inspiration? The story starts, in part, two years ago (and I hope to keep this narrative short to get to the lessons learned portion more quickly). During my Junior year in college I started to become very ill. It got to the point that I was sleeping at least 12-15 hours a day just to stay awake during the crucial hours of the day, and even then I could not concentrate on the simplest of tasks. My life in general took a huge hit. A year ago I was diagnosed with a genetic disorder that explained a whole lot. Luckily, I have a wonderful doctor that has helped me to treat this problem and I am back on my feet now a year later...at least physically I am. The problem is, since being so sick, I unfortunately seemed to have gotten stuck in a rut in life. Something is missing. I feel so alone. I feel less than satisfied with anything that I do. I'm searching for something that I cannot find. I thought that I found it a few months ago when someone finally took a romantic interest in me, and for a little while life felt complete again. Sadly, that did not last too long. And I am back to my rut.
Have you ever been in a rut? Have you felt like something is missing in your life? What have you done to find it? Months of pondering have helped me realize how to label what is missing: light. I feel like a light has gone out in my life. And I've been running to and fro to find it. Trying to use friends and social life to fill it. Video Games. Work. More sleep. Finding a girlfriend. Anything to fill the void. And finally tonight it has hit me what it is that will bring that light back. "I am the light of the world." declared our Savior.
When I became sick I became complacent about heeding the Savior's words to come to Him. I have developed bad habits of not reading my scriptures or visiting the temple often. I started to prioritize friends and school over home-teaching and my callings. I then gave into the temptation of thinking those things would be enough to be a good person and to feel good about life. I started caring more about finding my soul's delight that filling my soul with light. In other words, I wanted to feel good without taking time to feed (spiritually) on the good. But, without the light of the Savior in my life, all the counterfeits (even if they are really really good things) will only temporarily fill the void. And eventually my life will always end back up where it has been the past couple years: meaningless and empty feeling.
Yet, looking back now I can see the Savior still guiding my life. He has filled it with a great many blessings. He has let me slump a lot, and even when I have chosen wrongly, He was still there. This very blog stands as a testimony of His divine compassion for me even now. The Savior is the light that truly fills my soul. He loves me even when I am in a rut. He will helps me even when I am dragging my feet along. I still can't believe that I haven't seen the answer that has been in front of me the whole time. Again, "I am the light of the world."
One of the most important lessons I can think of from this is that I must not stand idly by waiting for things to happen. I think we all do that too much. "I'm just not feeling it right now." seems to be a common mantra in our lives. Its like we are waiting for everything to be feeling perfect and happy, or at least calm, before we will go out and do good things. We wait for our depressions, our anxieties, our fears, and our anger to subside before we think we can do what is right. It is so clear to me now how big of a lie this is. We must be "anxiously engaged", then the good will come into our lives, the light will come into our lives. Action comes before feeling, not the other way around.
Therefore, I must rededicate myself to His cause. I must do the little things to bring Him into my life. Only by so doing can I find what I have truly been searching for, Him. I testify that the Savior is really the light of our world. There are good things to fill our lives with, but only if we fill them with His light will we ever feel truly fulfilled. He loves us all. We do not need to feel lonely, and when we do, He will still be there. I, for one, want to rededicate my life to true discipleship. I want to be more fervent with my scripture studies. I want to be more willing to seek His revelations. I want to go to the Temple more often. That is how I will fill my soul again with light. That is how I will fill the void. I testify of the Savior, and hope you feel of his love.
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