The Makings of a Noble Father and Husband
Introduction
In the year 1999 Elder Jeffery R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (1999), reflecting on the importance of fatherhood, said, “As a father, I wonder if I and all other fathers could do more to build a sweeter, stronger relationship with our sons and daughters here on earth.” This is often a topic of reflection for myself because that strong relationship is what I feel will help my children most in their development. (Social Services, 1983) Why? For me it is centered on two things. I feel that the opportunity to be a father and husband is a sacred stewardship from God. I want to do everything that I can to fulfill this stewardship. Second, is my desire for my children to see the wonderful social, economic, and health benefits of marriage (Dollahite, 2000, p. 20) and desire it for themselves. A good example will be key because children are particularly sensitive to actions as compared to words.
There are many books and articles written on the topic of what types of things best help fathers in building their relationships with their children and spouse. My purpose in writing is to take the information that is common in all of the books studied, as well as a few things that I have learned from experience to be particularly important, and to synthesize these into two main ideas: 1. Things fathers and husbands must do on a consistent basis. 2. What they can do as circumstances require i.e. “taking it a day at a time”. This will then be of use as a reference list and a roadmap for the day-to-day activities that a father and husband can do to help me and other fathers in building successful relationships with his children and spouse.
Consistent Habits
Not too long ago I served for two years as a missionary to the wonderful people of the Hawaiian Islands. As a missionary I quickly learned the importance of establishing good habits and a consistency in daily schedule in maintaining a happy and healthy relationship with God, a companion, and investigators to the church. Every day we were up at 6:30, exercised for half an hour, ate breakfast, studied for two hours, and then we were out the door by 10:00. If any one or a number of these were missing, the whole day seemed to be unbalanced and not as productive. For a father and husband consistency is also vital in their relationships. “Children need consistent fathers.” (Canfield, 1992, p. 76) Of course a father does not have the same activities as a missionary, but there are other activities that he must be consistent in.
Spiritual Leader
Very similar to missionaries providing spiritual guidance to investigators, the importance of fathers and husbands in consistently providing spiritually for their families has been continually emphasized by the leaders of the church. The Family: A Proclamation to the World (1995) states, “fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness.” Presiding in part means watching over the spiritual needs of the family. There are a variety of things that a father can consistently do to fulfill this commission.
There is a great emphasis in research on the ability of a man to council with his wife and family in making decisions for the family. Leading a family in family council helps children develop communication and problem solving skills. (Coloroso, 2001, p. 154) The council also provides an opportunity for them to have input on rules and regulations in the home. It is a time where love and unity is built between parent, child, and siblings, especially when prayer is involved.
One of the greatest lessons I learned growing up was the joy that comes through service in the church. My dad taught me this through his example, as he made sure month-by-month to do his home teaching. My children too need to learn of this joy so they have a desire to stay strong and active in the gospel. They will learn that they are not alone in the gospel. I and other fathers need to be consistent in fulfilling our church callings. We will also lead out in spiritual matters such as daily prayer, daily scripture study, and weekly family home evening.
Work to provide the necessities of life and church callings are vital, but Catherine and Joseph Prats (1997) suggest that we beware of “providing more and more ‘things’… in the guise of love, when what we responsibly should be providing is more of our time and talents.” (p. 86) So, it is as equally important that time is taken out of the daily schedule to spend quality and quantity time with the family.
Communicating and Interacting
One of the most important consistencies that is a key to successful parenthood is that of how children and spouse are treated and communicated to. “Passive-aggressive fathering is what we need to avoid.” (Canfield, 1992, p. 74) In other words avoiding conditional displays of love. How do fathers avoid this? There are three phrases that a father can learn how to say frequently every day. “I love you.” “Thank you,” and “I am sorry.” When said with real intent, these words are powerful in conveying to the family a father’s love and devotion to them.
Taking it a Day at a Time
After leaving the apartment at 10:00, as missionaries we would go through the day to various teaching appointments. Using some of the principles studied and relying on that consistent spiritual growth from every morning, we would adapt our teaching to the needs of each investigator. What to specifically say to each person could not be scheduled before hand. “Parenting can’t be scheduled either- it’s totally unpredictable.” (Vannoy, 1994, p. 138) “Our children come to us with differing inclinations, capacities, abilities, and traits, but they are all children of God.” (Hart, 2005, p. 135) This is cause for people and circumstances to change in everyday family life. So a father must be able to adapt to day-to-day challenges by keeping in mind the consistent principles of fatherhood, as discussed earlier, and then choosing from a variety of actions to meet that challenge head on.
Father
There are many great ways as a father that a man can adapt to the changes in family life. The way a father interacts and communicates with his children changes over time as children age and mature, but they still can show the love and care needed to foster growth in their relationship.
“Research shows a direct relationship between those youth who feel affection from their parents and their ability to withstand the temptations of immorality.” (Top & Chadwick, 2004, p. 66) From the time of infancy it is important for a child to have the physical affection of a father. Holding a child through infancy and showering them with kisses through childhood can be a great way to show this affection. As children grow they may not be so inclined to being held or kisses, but perhaps may turn to playful roughhousing and/or hugs from their father.
To continue to foster the relationship between father and children, it is important to learn to work alongside children, as opposed to directing them, when engaging in household chores. (Dollahite, 2000, p. 178) As children grow older it is still important to work alongside them, but the close supervision of tasks or doing the same task with them, may not be required.
One of my fondest memories is when my father would read from illustrated scriptures and other children’s literature. As I grew older the picture books were put back on the shelf, and in exchange I would be told stories of our ancestors. We would have deep doctrinal discussions of the scripture passages. Dr. David C. Dollahite pointed out storytelling as a way to increase love and family identity. (Dollahite)
Not only are interactions important but children also need time for their fathers to listen to them. In one study only 26% of the children reported having the asset of positive and open communication with their parents. (Benson & Galbraith, 1998, p. 33) There needs to be frequent time throughout each week when a father can sit down with each child and talk with them. In the Family Guidebook (2006) put out by the church, it is suggested that a father holds regular interviews with the children. These can be especially important for teenagers, as they can be times where clear parental expectations are discussed and children can have their input on policies and rules. They foster love and unity between parent and child.
One last thing in communicating to children, a father needs to be able to say “no” in a loving way. In other words fathers need to set limits. “Children need limits precisely to learn consequences. But they need realistic limits.” (Glen & Nelson, 2000, p. 99) As children age, it is important for a father to let them be more and more independent, and maybe not as many rules are set for older children, but to that only comes after they first learn the consequences of their choices.
Husband
President Gordon B. Hinckley (1998) said, “The greatest thing you will ever have in this life in the companionship of your beloved wife.” So much of what has already been discussed, such as saying I love you, being a spiritual leader, and working together, are things that are equally applicable to a husband treating his wife with the love and respect she deserves.
There is something to be said about having time to sit, talk, and get to know your wife. John M. Gottman (1999) refers to it as “[enhancing] your love maps.” Love map is defined as that part of your brain responsible for storing all relevant information about your partner’s life. (p. 48) Date nights, coming-and-going rituals, celebrations of triumph and achievements, relationship seminars, and simply observing how your wife responds to the day-to-day situations of life are times to increase enhance your love maps. The conversations are not just about talking, but listening. This is not something that should happen just for the first few years of marriage, but should be a lifelong pursuit.
After listening and talking with his a wife, a husband then has the opportunity to give back and interact with her using the knowledge gained. He can do this by empathizing with her during times of difficulty and by also learning to “sing [her] praises” (Gottman & Silver, 1999, p. 77) for the things that she does each and everyday to make the home better. After getting to know the way that his wife prefers him to express his heartfelt love, also known as her love language (Chapman, 1995), a husband makes sure to express that love frequently throughout each day. It could be through simple gifts or words of appreciation. Whatever she prefers is how a husband should do it.
One final thought for being both a father and husband. It is important to learn how to self-examine how one is doing in his sacred calling in the family, identify where improvement is needed, and then work on those areas. “Our tendency is to run with our strengths and leave our weaknesses undeveloped.” (Covey, 1997, p. 37) This paper was written as a reference list for improvement. Learn to evaluate often.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is important for a father and husband to learn to be consistent in his relationships with his children. This consistency along with the actions adapted to the individual needs of each family member, including his wife, will foster greater relationships and success in their lives. I close with a quote from President Ezra Taft Benson (1981), “… Fatherhood is not a matter of station or wealth; it is a matter of desire, diligence, and determination to see one’s family exalted in the celestial kingdom. If that prize is lost, nothing else really matters.”
