Lessons Learned From an Ice Skating Accident

     Wow, can I tell you what an eventful past few months it has been? I can't believe how much I've had to draw close to my Heavenly Father just to make it from day to day. For many of you reading this, you are probably aware that almost two months ago I was in a serious Ice Skating accident that resulted in a severe concussion, serious brain hemorrhaging, and about 5 weeks of strict strict bed rest (no phone, no internet, no reading, no movies, very very limited music, no driving, no visitors...you get the picture). Just for kicks, I want you to imagine yourself in that situation. Sitting on your couch all day for 5 weeks...your mind would go crazy. And mine really did. Add the fact that my life really exploded and there wasn't a thing I could do about it.All of a sudden everything was up in the air...my job, grad school, and dating, to name a few things. So here I was, totally out of control of my life, and that is when God decided to step in and teach me some of the greatest lessons I have ever had received in my entire life. I wish to share a few with you in hopes that when you feel like things are up in the air you too can feel God's love for you, and perhaps reflect upon these to help you.
     Lesson #1: I'm a Sinner and That's Ok, God Can Still Send His Spirit to Bless My Life. I don't know about any of you, but I beat myself up a whole heck of a lot over really small things. Honestly, one of the biggest struggles in my life, one of my greatest weaknesses, is not that I believe in myself too much (Pride) but that I don't believe enough (faithlessness). "How could God ever send the spirit to someone as sinful as me that I may make the right choice?" While on bed rest this thought permeated almost everything that I was worried about. I felt like Alma the younger as my life would play over and over and over again in my head like a movie. "I am such a sinner." However, sometime during my hopeless stupor the spirit opened my eyes to see that such thoughts could never be inspired by the spirit. Why would the spirit seek to put me down? Even when it corrects, it never puts us down and makes us feel like achieving spirituality is an impossibility. I had been listening to the wrong voice my entire life and because of that, I struggled often to hear the spirit. True, I am very much a sinner, but I was also reminded of a talk given by Elder Pieper to my mission once when he taught us about how even when we hold on to our "favorite sins" God can work miracles through us because the Atonement has paid for them. That is how even in sin, you and I are called to callings and asked to hear the spirit of the Lord. As Elder McKonkie once said, as long as we are "striving, struggling, and desiring" the spirit can always be granted to us.
     Lesson #2: I Am Me. I'm going to be honest here, I really struggle with the challenges that accompany dating. I've been told time and time again that I am a really really great guy and have even been set up on blind dates with the assurance they have been told "so much about me" but never, as of yet, have they ever panned out. Its taken a toll on my self confidence and I've searched and searched for answers as to why. "It must be something wrong with me" therefore I changed a lot of how I approached dating and have changed myself a lot, yet nothing worked. During my bed rest I had plenty of time to think about it, and I finally came to this conclusion: I am me, and as such I have the choice to be what I want to be. I do not need to worry myself with what others want me to be, but what God wants me to be. And, until I tried too hard to be something else, I have always felt comfortable with my choices to be a person who serves others. I now look back on my life, especially dating, and realize that I have hundreds of friends whose lives I have been an instrument in helping, and I am at peace with that. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a quirky, nervous-wreck of a dork when it comes to dating! But ultimately who I am does not need to change just because it affects my dating or what not. We do not need to worry ourselves with changing to fit the standards of the world. We need to worry ourselves with being what God wants us to be.
     Lesson #3: Our Greatest Desire Should Always Be to Seek God's Will: Wait on the Lord To piggy back off the last lesson, I learned that so much of what we seem to seek after in this life is really not that important. Ultimately, all that we really should seek after is the approval of God. The phrase "Wait on the Lord" seemed to be the theme of my recovery. First, my dad mentioned it in a blessing; second, one of my friends said it to me after she came to visit me; and third, the compassionate service committee from my ward wrote it in a get well note to me. If that's not a spiritual slap in the face I don't know what is! God really wanted me to listen and learn this lesson. So what does it mean to wait on the Lord? It means that quite often we are sitting just waiting to hear that voice. We continue to live our lives of spiritual duty until God reveals his will to us concerning the question we may have asked. It means that we often need to take a back seat to watching the Lord open up doors in our lives. What about being proactive/"anxiously engaged"? Many people may scoff at my "just sit and wait" approach. One, you misunderstand if you think I am suggesting you sit and do nothing. Two, Its a cultural thing that we have to always be busy doing something or going somewhere, not a doctrinal one. Our lives are busy busy busy!! Well, my thought is this: anxiously engaged refers more often than not to active service in the church, and as we are doing that, the Lord will open doors for us that can lead us to receiving answers to prayers. We must then be proactive in choosing one of those doors and watch as the Lord makes something out of our choice. Most often, I don't think he opens just one door, but many and then wants us to choose one. It matters not which for all are good. My advice would be this: if you are earnestly seeking to hear God, focus more on being a strong disciple of Christ while making choices to move forward in life, then the Lord will reveal himself in his own time and in his own way. And if you are living worthy of the spirit, at some point you will recognize his voice. Until then, just hold on to the ride and wait patiently. Take a deep breath, and relax...all will be ok. You will stress yourself out too much by always going and doing sooo much. Take time to wait and listen. And while you are at it, take time to enjoy the simple things like partaking of the sacrament, doing your hometeaching, etc... those commandments that you know how and when to do are essential to being anxiously engaged. In the end, you cannot afford to either be too busy, or too distracted to hear/see the voice of the Lord in your life. It is the fruit that is delicious above all other fruit. And ultimately, it is the only one worth telling you that your choice is a good one. Trust me on this, that is the only confirmation worth hearing, especially with big life choices like marriage and a career.
     Anyway, those are probably the three biggest lessons that I can offer you. I really hope something I said can help at least one of you! I leave my testimony of the Christ and his Gospel! They are true. He lives and loves us sooooo much! Feel free to post, repost, or comment on this blog. I would love it if it helped someone you know!

Finding Something in the World: Filling the Empty Soul With Light

     My last blog was a year ago, and man so much has changed since then that I feel like a totally different person since last I wrote. I will be honest, I've discovered (or realized) since then that writing really is a great outlet for me. Whether its writing a blog, writing a ridiculously demanding philosophy paper (thank you BYU education), or writing down notes from my scripture study, I tend to be able to learn some of life's greatest lessons as I am writing and gain stronger testimony of my life. The spirit often directs the words as I write or type to teach me, not knowing beforehand what I am to really write about (thanks Nephi). So, I ask that you excuse me for a minute while I write a blog partially out of selfish reasons, for I desperately need some inspiration today (night, its midnight). Of course, my hope as always is that my inspiration can be shared by someone else seeking answers or in need of heaven's help.
     Why, you might ask do I stand in need of inspiration? The story starts, in part, two years ago (and I hope to keep this narrative short to get to the lessons learned portion more quickly). During my Junior year in college I started to become very ill. It got to the point that I was sleeping at least 12-15 hours a day just to stay awake during the crucial hours of the day, and even then I could not concentrate on the simplest of tasks. My life in general took a huge hit. A year ago I was diagnosed with a genetic disorder that explained a whole lot. Luckily, I have a wonderful doctor that has helped me to treat this problem and I am back on my feet now a year later...at least physically I am. The problem is, since being so sick, I unfortunately seemed to have gotten stuck in a rut in life. Something is missing. I feel so alone. I feel less than satisfied with anything that I do. I'm searching for something that I cannot find. I thought that I found it a few months ago when someone finally took a romantic interest in me, and for a little while life felt complete again. Sadly, that did not last too long. And I am back to my rut.
     Have you ever been in a rut? Have you felt like something is missing in your life? What have you done to find it? Months of pondering have helped me realize how to label what is missing: light. I feel like a light has gone out in my life. And I've been running to and fro to find it. Trying to use friends and social life to fill it. Video Games. Work. More sleep. Finding a girlfriend. Anything to fill the void. And finally tonight it has hit me what it is that will bring that light back. "I am the light of the world." declared our Savior.
     When I became sick I became complacent about heeding the Savior's words to come to Him. I have developed bad habits of not reading my scriptures or visiting the temple often. I started to prioritize friends and school over home-teaching and my callings. I then gave into the temptation of thinking those things would be enough to be a good person and to feel good about life.  I started caring more about finding my soul's delight that filling my soul with light. In other words, I wanted to feel good without taking time to feed (spiritually) on the good. But, without the light of the Savior in my life, all the counterfeits (even if they are really really good things) will only temporarily fill the void. And eventually my life will always end back up where it has been the past couple years: meaningless and empty feeling.
     Yet, looking back now I can see the Savior still guiding my life. He has filled it with a great many blessings. He has let me slump a lot, and even when I have chosen wrongly, He was still there. This very blog stands as a testimony of His divine compassion for me even now. The Savior is the light that truly fills my soul. He loves me even when I am in a rut. He will helps me even when I am dragging my feet along. I still can't believe that I haven't seen the answer that has been in front of me the whole time. Again, "I am the light of the world."
     One of the most important lessons I can think of from this is that I must not stand idly by waiting for things to happen. I think we all do that too much. "I'm just not feeling it right now." seems to be a common mantra in our lives. Its like we are waiting for everything to be feeling perfect and happy, or at least calm, before we will go out and do good things. We wait for our depressions, our anxieties, our fears, and our anger to subside before we think we can do what is right. It is so clear to me now how big of a lie this is. We must be "anxiously engaged", then the good will come into our lives, the light will come into our lives. Action comes before feeling, not the other way around.
     Therefore, I must rededicate myself to His cause. I must do the little things to bring Him into my life. Only by so doing can I find what I have truly been searching for, Him. I testify that the Savior is really the light of our world. There are good things to fill our lives with, but only if we fill them with His light will we ever feel truly fulfilled. He loves us all. We do not need to feel lonely, and when we do, He will still be there. I, for one, want to rededicate my life to true discipleship.  I want to be more fervent with my scripture studies. I want to be more willing to seek His revelations. I want to go to the Temple more often. That is how I will fill my soul again with light. That is how I will fill the void. I testify of the Savior, and hope you feel of his love.

"I Give Unto Men Weakness, That They May Be Humble"

     I have recently realized that it has been a very long time since I have written on my blog.  Since the last time I have written I have learned a whole lot more about life and had many wonderful experiences and much growth. I have since decided to switch  to pursuing an academic career, focusing on theoretical psychology, and in that pursuit I have discovered a wonderful tool: Critical thinking. This isn't any normal "critical thinking." This is critically thinking about new ways to approach the world, behavioral sciences, and even the gospel. I have found great joy and discovery in questioning the questions/foundations of science itself, and the widely accepted (though, I would argue, false) theories of human nature.

     Anyway, this blog isn't not about science or psychological theory (or about how smart I try to believe that I am). Learning how to critically think has actually brought me closer to the Savior, and this blog is a reflection of that. This is about a new way of thinking about the gospel, or at least one particular aspect of the gospel: human weakness. It is something that I have had learn a great deal about over the past few months, being prone to weakness myself, as is the lot of all human beings. Bear with me, I have been writing a lot of academic papers lately, and I tend to write in that style (you'll notice it will seem to be written in a style of argumentation and logical flow). This blog is not meant to be academic in the sense of me trying to prove something or to sound fancy, it is meant to be yet another testimony of the Savior, an invitation to come unto Him, a description of my faith building experience, and my thoughts resulting from that experience.

     The theme comes from a commonly known scripture found in Ether 12:27, "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if the humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." This is a scripture many use to strengthen themselves when temptation besets them and they feel weak. I testify that what this scripture says is true, and I know that it has the power to lift men when they feel weak.

     I will offer my thoughts on this scripture, but first share my story. Since I have been home from my mission I have been distraught by how easily the temptations of the adversary have beset me and how hard life can really be. I do not know if anyone else has felt this way, but I have yearned to return to the mission simply so I can be in a place where I constantly felt close to the spirit and felt strong. "Real life" (meaning life after the mission) has been so tough. The ability to find someone willing to date me continues to elude me, health concerns have arisen that have had a direct affect on my academics, and many other hardships have arisen. Indeed, my weakness has been exposed more than ever. Fear and anxiety are no strangers when I ponder the effects my weakness might be having on my dating life, friendships, or even my future. Have any of you felt this way? If so, let me hopefully share something about the above scripture that might help.
     Quite often we read the scripture above as saying "I give unto men weaknesses (plural)" This is the first thing that I have learned about this scripture that I would like to point out. It does not say the plural weaknesses (plural) it says weakness (singular). Why does this matter? It is true, we all seem to reflect human weakness in ways specific to us and satan does target those specifics. However, I think that the reason it is singular is because it isn't so much about the specifics as about the purposes of weakness. In other words, the word weakness points to universal purposes that God has. Let me explain. In my mind when I think weaknesses I begin to think about ways that I am unique from other people and focus on me and fixing my weaknesses and wanting people to pay attention to my uniqueness so they can comfort me. Me. Me. Me. Weakness (singular) means that I have to acknowledge that everyone is weak. It invites me to be compassion to anyone and everyone who struggles in life, because I know what it is like to be weak. I may not know their specific situation, but at least I know what it is like to be beset with weakness, therefore I can cry with them and help to carry a burden. God means to draw us to one another, and I have found that to be one of the most helpful ways of finding peace in hardship.
     So how do we deal with weakness? The scripture is very clear: be humble and have faith. Well, what does that mean? How do we become humble and have faith in the midst of trial and hardship?And how does it lead to the "weak things becom[ing] strong unto [us]?" First of all, we must recognize that the scripture is not teaching that we will be free from our trials, but we will be made strong in our weakness. Trials are a part of mortality. Do not try to run away or avoid it, because, as many of the elder generation can attest, life will always have trials. It is the lot of mortality (though I firmly believe in the eternities we will be perfectly strong.) to struggle.
     So, I have learned to stop trying to avoid the pain of life, and am trying to embrace the weakness. It is okay to cry and be weak in front of the Lord. He is never ashamed of you for being weak. YOU ARE NOT GUILTY FOR BEING WEAK!! I think that crying to him and weeping and telling him how hard you are trying and how weak you are is a great show of humility and faith. And I can promise you that as you are being so vulnerable, that is when the Lord will be the closest!! He has always heard me, and has NEVER told me He is ashamed of me, only that He loves me. I love the word "sufficient" in this, because it implies that his grace is enough for us, and by implication there is more than enough love to help us.
     Reading this scripture, all that I hear is an invitation, even a plea, from our Heavenly Father to come to the Savior. To come to Him. Another unfortunate thing that I hear in my communications with people is the notion that God wants us to come unto Him simply so he can perfect us, and therefore all he cares about is us improving and he has no room for our imperfection. This leads to many people mistakingly thinking that they must be perfect and that God will not want to understand what is holding them back from progress, simply that they are not progressing. This is false. He does care in the progress, but he is an infinitely compassionate being who loves us even when we are stalled, and will sit and bear with us and surround us in his love no matter how slowly we are moving. He invites us to come unto him not just because he wants us to pick up and keep moving forward, but because he is a father, a dad, who wants to hug us and love us and care about everything that is going on in our lives.
     But still, it can be ever so difficult and tricky to find the faith to move through, and even at times simply pray when we feel the weakest. This the last thought that I wish to share: faith comes as we learn to yearn for the embrace of our Savior. Alma 32 teaches that if we even so much as desire to believe, then God can work with us. Here is what I do when I become scared because I am weak, you may try this if you would like. It is based on the picture called Journey's End that shows the Savior embracing a man in his arms at the end of life's journey. So first, I picture the Savior at the end of a beautiful walkway smiling and beaming at me with his arms wide open to embrace me. I then think of all of the times when I knew that the Savior was real and that he loved me. Those thoughts stir within me the desire that I have to just be able to give the Savior a hug, to bathe his feet with my tears (as Bruce R. McConkie said), and tell him how much I love him.
    I realize that the day has not yet come when I can literally, face-to-face see him and talk with him, so I then picture myself running toward him and tell myself that there is nothing that can stand in my way from getting the chance to embrace him at the end of my "life's journey" I try my best to stop worrying about how to overcome the obstacles because the faith that is pushing me to simply run toward him is enough for him to work with and help to fight through all obstacles.  I forget for a brief moment that I have weakness, and for a time I feel strong enough, because the Savior is there, to do what ever he asks of me, even if it is to endure pain for just little bit longer. Doing so will enable me to embrace him. However, as I am running toward him I realize that he has been running alongside me the whole time. He has been picking me up as I have stumble on pebbles, or run into great barriers. It is kind of a paradox that he is at the end of the journey physically, but it is with me throughout the journey spiritually. That is what faith is: running toward the Savior, or crawling, or dragging yourself as best as you can through thick and thin, with what little strength you have at times, because more than anything you want to embrace him. And at the same time, more than anything you need him now.
     I testify that the Savior is with us now. He always has been and always will be. He will make you strong! And even when you are weak, he can be your strength because he loves you and will always be there for you.
     

Choosing Hope and Happiness: Yes, it is a choice

     So there are two different spiritual world-views competing for our attention.  The adversary's and the Savior's.  Recently I have been pondering about the eternal potential of all of us, and how we often shift our gaze from that potential by choosing to accept and view the world through the false-hood that is created by the adversary.  I will share 2 scriptures to illustrate the two differing views.  Scripture #1 represents the view of the adversary (although it also illustrates the Savior), and how appropriate that it comes from 2 Nephi 2, verse 27: "Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself."
     Here is the view that the adversary would have us believe. In this view, we are trapped and controlled by all things that are outside of our being. Meaning, we have no power to control our happiness or the difficulties of life. Modern psychology (yep, i'm referring to it) is a prime example of this. It teaches us that we have no control over the emotional states that we find ourselves in everyday. The neuro-chemicals (only one of the many theories of personality and being) in our brain determine who we are, how we act, and are mere puppets of carnal desires that apparently we are born with.  If we choose to believe this view, we become captive to outside influences. We become captive to the belief that we were born with carnal desires (we call this the "natural man")) and that life is supposed to be difficult, and as a consequent to this belief, the difficulties of life are difficult.  With this view we cannot hope to change who we are, and we simply hope that the Savior's grace will somehow magically make everything better one day in the future, but for now we cannot hope to be happy because of our carnal selves and world. Life is a struggle with the difficult, not a quest for joy.   Now, if you are surprised by my bluntness, please keep reading, it will all make sense as I now explore the other worldview.
     The scripture I choose to represent this view is found in Matthew 11, verse 29-30: "Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." This is an invitation from the Savior to be yoked with him in viewing the world as a place of joy. I am amazed at how often we use the cliche "He never said it would be easy, he only said it would be worth it" when right here the Savior is saying that it can be easy! (BTW, show me where he even said that phrase...sorry if I push anyone's buttons with this, but what a dismal view of the world and the Plan of Salvation) Even amidst the difficulties of life, he is telling us here that if we are willing to be yoked with him those difficulties do not have to be difficult! WE HAVE A CHOICE! When we choose to view the world in this way, all of a sudden we are free to choose life! When difficulties arise, we choose to look toward the Savior and face them head on with true hope and trust that all things will be for our good!
     And I now know what you are thinking. "but Sam haven't you ever cried over something difficult? How can you say life isn't hard?" Well first off, yes my life has thrown me some very very difficult curveballs. Secondly, I am not professing to be perfect at choosing to be happy and viewing the world with the Savior's eyes. Thirdly, I am not saying that it is a sin to choose to cry when hard things happen.  What I am saying is that the Savior is inviting us to be yoked with him so that those tears can turn to gratitude and over time, we can learn to see hope, rather than despair, at all times! We are no longer slaves, but we can choose to be free! Free from the outside influences of the world, from the false beliefs of our determined happiness or misery! I do not discredit being born with certain weaknesses, or even there are those who are born with mental handicaps etc... however I am dis-credting the belief that we are born with evil desires within us that are beyond our control (i.e. the "natural man"; I am happy to talk about the scripture Mos. 3:19 with you and what I think it is really saying if you ask me), and the belief that we must surrender ourselves to believe in the difficulties of life!
     Everyday we are presented with the challenge to view the world in one of the two ways. For must of us mortals, we kind of fluctuate between the two. That is another reason why the Atonement is so amazing! He makes up for our inability to always choose him! The Savior wants us to be happy! 2 Nephi 2, verse 25: "Adam fell that man might be, and men are that they might have joy" Our purpose in life is to be happy! To learn to be happy even when life is hard. Perhaps happy isn't the best word, maybe I will switch it to hope. We are free to choose the hope or to choose the despair!
     Again, I am not perfect at this! None of us are! But we need to not forget a least a couple of very important things about this life: 1) we have a choice in all things to either view the world with hope or despair. I have only highlighted a few difficulties of choosing despair. 2) the influence of the adversary is real! I think we give too much credit to ourselves for the sins we commit, thinking that it is "naturally" who we are, when in reality Satan is using this belief to keep us from seeing his handiwork in our lives. 3) The Savior can life our burdens at all times and therefore we can find joy in this life! This blog is only a small portion of some of the thoughts I have had on the topic, and I am willing to talk more about it with anyone! The reason I do this is not to be controversial or to stir anyone to anger, you don't have to believe what I am saying, but I share this because of the great hope it has instilled in my soul and I wish others to taste of it! I testify of the Savior's love! Our lives can be changed by him! The Church is true no matter what, and God is there no matter what! He will help us with our weaknesses, he will heal our broken hearts! May we ever choose Him!

The Dating World: It Just Feels Right

     I've just been on a spiritual high the past few days! So here I am writing another blog about life and some of the lessons I've been learning when I probably should be writing my 10 page paper. I am going to give a quick foreword to what I will be discussing in this blog. This is a blog about dating (again, but not rules for me this time haha) so therefore a lot of what I say has emotional baggage, and may not come out the way I want to. I do not intend to discriminate against anyone or their choices. I do not intend to confess perfect understanding or perfection in these matters.  I also do not intend to offend anyone. These are simply observations and lessons learned that I feel to share, and the anecdotes provided are meant to illustrate, but may not apply to the generalizable public. Please just keep and open mind, and understand these are just my thoughts.
     With that opening I'm guessing that you are thinking I'm going to be super serious. However, I want to be joyful in what I share! My thoughts are concerning dating. Specifically I want to address the often used proverbial phrase "He/She is the one." For the longest of times, and even every now and then I would get confused, angered, bitter, and terrified by this phrase. You hear it all of the time when people talk in retrospect (looking back/hindsight) about their significant other. You also hear it, although far less often nowadays, in reference to the search (dating) for "the one."
     This made me confused first and foremost because it sounded like God determined that we had to marry that person! Not only is this logic riddled with fallacy, but it never seemed to work that way for me! I could never find the one! I became angry and bitter. Every time someone told me I was "so amazing" and then rejected me drove the pain even closer to the heart and I became even more bitter! Why not me if I'm "so amazing"? That angry was coupled with fear that I would never find someone. Eventually I would be caught in a miserable and bitter cycle. Thankfully the Lord is ever so patient with me. He would bring me peace to last just a little bit longer. During those times He would whisper me one of these lessons, and little by little my heart and my nature has started to change.
     First lesson: humility. What if God told us who to marry? Even though it is the one thing we know He will never do because there is no "one" but what if he did? Just like Abraham knowing that God would never ask him to sacrifice Isaac, yet God asked him to. Do we have the faith and the humility to accept that? This is the attitude we must have! Understand that 99% of the time it won't happen like that; however, that is no excuse for a prideful condition of our heart to not be willing to accept His counsel or commandment if it comes. (look up the talk entitled "but if not"April Gen'l Conference 2004) This a short yet most powerful lesson and key to dating!
     Second lesson: agency is key. Brethren, I'm sorry but be honest, do any of you feel bitter in the slightest bit when a girl chooses to go on a mission rather than date? Recently I made a comment on Facebook about the prevalence of female attendance at Marriage prep courses correlated with the lack of desire to date and an the excuse being going on a mission. Many people laughed and said something like "girls don't know what they want" but some people were quite offended, "why not go on a mission?!" "going to the class doesn't mean I'm ready, or I have to get married now!"I sat back and laughed, though admittedly I wished I was more clear in expressing my comment as being sarcastic. Wow, why are we so ashamed of the choices we make that at times we feel we have to defend it? I'm sorry boys, but they have made a choice between two goods, and it is because they have agency. Agency is the ability to choose between good and evil, but that does not mean that every choice has to be one or the other. It is possible to exercise that agency to choose between two goods! Is it hard and frustrating? Yes! Girls, yes it can be really really hard, especially when we think you are so amazing yet leaving on missions, please at least recognize that! However, do not be ashamed to go!
     By that same token, girls recognize that men make choices too! Yes I just said "you are all amazing" and you stand back and say "then why doesn't he want to date me?" First off, agency. Secondly, it would be impossible to ever get married if we had to date every single person who was amazing. A choice must be made! Both genders are imperfect and therefore are never going to be perfect at choosing a significant other that is perfect. True some are better than others, but sometimes we choose less. Either because we never got the chance to explore others, or simply because we chose. The trick though is to be honest and very specific in expressing that you made the choice. Like saying that you are not interested in someone. If you say that you'd better mean it. If you say "right now", then be ready to accept the consequences of expressing that. What I'm saying is that we do have a choice, but we also have an obligation to be honest with others. Anything else and we end up in the painful mess that happens all too often!  If you want to know further what I mean by agency and there being many good choices to choose from, please read on!
     Third lesson learned: what is really meant by "it just felt right/he or she was the one." My brother just got married and told me that he knew he was to marry his wife because "it just felt right." That is the seemingly universal sentiment shared by everyone who has a significant other! Those are not determinant feelings! Its not because Charisse was "the one" for my brother but because she was a wonderful, choice daughter of God! She was approved of the Lord! Not just for my brother, but I believe it could have been so for many others. I am glad that they chose each other! I do not fully understand God's guiding process in dating, but I do know He wants us to be happy. He brings people to our lives that are wonderful for us! And we, and they can choose! One of the most humbling experiences for me was when I realized that God knows the type or kind of person who I would be good with and I finally recognized that He has opened so many doors for me to meet those types of people! God can do the same for you! And some girl/guy may feel right, but chooses to pursue others! Great! Learn to find joy in his or her happiness!
     Corollary to lesson 3: God can approve many many people. There are thousands of doors that "just feel right" It could be that we choose to not step through one door even though we both feel good about it.  It could be that we are scared. It could be we chose a mission. It could be financial reasons. It could be a thousand other reasons, and guess what? That's okay! We choose those reasons, THEY DO NOT CHOOSE US! It is okay to choose not to pursue someone, or when someone chooses that in regards to us. Albeit, that doesn't make it less painful, but choosing to feel pain is a reflection on the right reasons and feelings you have for that person. We are moral agents whose whole beings are directed toward relationships with others! And it hurts when those relationships are hindered in some way. However, God will be faithful and keep opening doors! Eventually you will step through one to find an eternal companion on the other side waiting at the altar, and that will be the greatest day of all!
     Now these are only a few of the things that I have learned. They do not express the full feelings of the spirit that I have felt.  They are not meant to be prescriptive in nature, rather descriptive of the dating experience and of the love of God for all of us! Let us have faith. If it feels right, or you know that someone you have met is wonderful, give it a chance. He/she or you may choose to make something of it. Or, you may choose otherwise. That is the way life is; agency is who we are! And if you are struggling with faith, choose now to test the faith and take a leap. Don't let the past weigh you down! Embrace the future and increase your faith! This is not something to be feared, but something to be excited about! I testify of God's love for us! His understanding and patience! Let us be more patient with Him and with those whom we date!

Facing Future: Letting go of the past

     Well it has been quite a while since I've written a blog.  So much has happened since last I wrote.  Miracles and sorrows.  Pains and great joys.  Life has definitely thrown me some great curveballs, and to say the least I have felt a least a little dazed, if not completely lost for quite some time.  But out of the confusing darkness we can find the great power of the Lord to answer our prayers and teach us who He is.  I am writing this blog to at least try to describe in the least what I consider the greatest learning curve of my life.  I say "greatest" to describe the awful pain and also the great wonderfulness that was associated with this time of my life.  I say "try" because it is impossible for mortal tongue to completely convey the feelings and teachings of the spirit, whose tutelage I have enjoyed the past few months.  I hope that maybe a few things that I say may help someone else who is struggling to move on with life.  Someone who feels stuck.  The one thing to remember while reading this is that it is a part of life to be stuck at times.  It is normal.  As my Mission President once counseled me, "we cannot be expected at this stage of our lives to not feel the pains of mortality.  And we cannot think that we are in trouble when we are lessened in our strivings for perfection because of the imperfections hindering us when life becomes difficult" (paraphrased).  I guess you can say that that is lesson #1.
     The second lesson has to do with understanding that no matter what happens God will answer your prayers eventually. Stop worrying about how or when, and take comfort in the fact that the Lord will answer your prayers.  He loves us. For me he has answered my prayers in so many ways.  And finally I have learned that I am worth something to Him and to others.  That is the final answer I had been looking for, for many years.  Many previous blogs were answers to other prayers that kind of helped me along the way, but He finally answered this final prayer.  And now I feel so enabled to face the future with confidence in myself, in others, and most importantly in my God. I can forgive my past and no longer am I bound by many of my biggest fears.  Thanks to my God for that answer.
     The third lesson is a corollary to the answer to my prayer: letting go of the past. It sounds easy, but quite often it is so hard. What does it really mean to let go of the past? Well first off it means that when we refer to people we know really well we can no longer describe them using the phrase "its just who they are"  What do I mean by that? Well, when we say that, we are assuming that they don't have the capacity to change. Rather, we unknowingly put a limit on the power of the atonement to literally change someone's nature.  This unfortunate fallacy is manifest when, for example, we say someone is has depression or is a depressed person.  Although we may see them become happier and healthier we still expect them to at one point return to their depression. What if the atonement has really changed who they are and they have moved on in life? Can we let go of the past and let them move on to the future? Can we not be excited that they have changed?
    Don't be offended that they have changed! And, I'm not saying that we stop helping those people when life gets tough again. Heaven knows that we all have emotional roller coasters in life. So don't abandon them! Still love them! Just because they are healed doesn't mean they are to be left on their own! In fact admire them and be with them all the more! However, make sure to see their future as a future of  possibilities rather than a prison of their past. And don't you dare hold them responsible for sin... that is NEVER your responsibility.  Bad habits, choices, and styles of life can change, let them change! Yet, I know you are wondering "but Sam, what if they don't see reality? what if it is dangerous to me? do I just be kind to them and still get hurt?" No! That is not what I am saying! But that is a topic in itself. If you want to talk about setting boundaries with sinners/dangerous relationships I have some insights I would love to share with you if you just contact me. Another point to make: avoid saying "cope" because the Lord can change who we are and "cope" means that you are unable to change, but are slave to the past. Change is so much more enabling than coping. We need to apply this to ourselves as well. Choose to not hold ourselves to the "i'm just that way" anymore. Yes, we have personalities that define us, but don't let your past define your future; both your mistakes and how you've navigated and viewed life. Yes we are Mormons heading toward perfection! But we are not perfectionists!
     Anyway, those are a few of my thoughts. I sure hope someone finds comfort in this. I testify that the Lord is there! He loves you and will send people your way to take care of you! He loves you! He loves you! He loves you! And if you can't feel that right now, know that I love you! There is at least one person on this earth that will show you he cares, and that is me! Please let me do whatever I can to help you! Please let me and the Lord help you! You are so amazing and so worth it!

PS- I know this is full of grammatical errors, sorry haha
       
   

Tender Mercies: He Knows Us

     A couple of weeks ago my dad's side of the family gathered together to bid farewell to my cousin as he prepared to leave for Ukraine for his mission. We were asked to share with him our most treasured thoughts/lessons learned from our missions to help him in his endeavors. At first. it was tough for me to decide what to share with him, but after thinking about it, it was more obvious than I thought: God knows who I am! He is ever so aware of every little thing in my life. The ups and downs. The little things that scare me, that others may scoff at. Even the things that I don't pray for or about. It was a powerful lesson that I now realize God has been trying to teach me for many years. It came to a head through a very special experience on my mission.
     The story actually starts long before my mission. Its no surprise to many that I struggled a lot with my health growing up. I was a very very very picky eater, which resulted in my being very underweight most of my life. Keeping that in mind, you can imagine the struggle I had deciding to go on a mission. Now, don't get me wrong, more than anything I wanted to serve a mission. Nothing would ever stop me from going... except perhaps my health. I didn't think I would be allowed to go. As I filled out my papers, that was the greatest fear on my mind. The hardest thing was going to the doctor, knowing that I probably would be too small to go. But then a miracle happened, I was approved! Tender Mercy #1. But even with the approval another thing weighed on my mind: what kind of food would I be expected to eat where I went? When I opened my call, Hawaii Honolulu Mission, I was overcome with joy, but the fear quickly set in concerning the food. Fish. Yuck. Taro. Yuck. Poi. Yuck. To add onto it, Polynesians take great pride in feeding the missionaries. I knew they wouldn't ever respect me if I didn't eat what was offered. Again I was scared, and deeply contemplated not going.
      Luckily, I did not give up and endured the fear for 3 months. The morning that I was set apart as a missionary my dad gave me a blessing, as he did us all when we would leave on our missions, and in the blessing he promised me that no matter what was put in front of me, if I trusted the Lord and ate it, I would be able to eat it and wouldn't get sick. Tears filled my eyes because I hadn't even really prayed and told God about it, yet here he answered that unheard prayer. I left for the mission. My first night in Hawaii I had fish. There it was in front of me. I remembered the blessing, said a prayer in my heart, closed my eyes, and took a bite. I loved it! Oh how God knew me! I never got sick because of the food I ate. I learned to love so much and my health improved. Somehow I was able to work to exhaustion day after day. And when I was transferred to a bike area, I was strengthened. I came home exhausted, but with a powerful lesson learned. God knew who I was! My heart was full. I did it. Because of God, I did it. People ask me why I still talk about Hawaii so much, asserting that I need to let it go and "come home." But they have no idea what God did for me out there. For the first time in my whole life, I felt like I was known by God. The people there accepted me for who I was, even when at times I was learning to like the food. It is a constant reminder of my most precious lesson in life. That is why I still talk about and jump for joy when I see those Polynesians I love so much. Later on I found out that my experience/story helped to literally save the life of a cancer patient who was scared to eat while doing therapy by inspiring her to trust God! God is amazing!
     Today I was reminded again of that lesson. This morning I was privileged to attend the farewell of someone I consider to be one of my most precious friends. I hadn't talked to her for a very long time. But when I was able to talk to her after her talk, I was almost brought to tears as she recounted to me what was happening in my life and asked how I was doing. She still cared about me as a close friend. You are probably wondering why I sound so surprised, well lets just say that because of my huge crush on her in high school, we had a complicated "history." But even during that time of our lives she helped me through what I consider to be one of the greatest trials of my life. And she stuck with me through it all, when no one else did. That is why she is such a precious friend to me. Today I realized how blessed I was for God bringing her into my life. And now as she goes her separate way I thank God for her. He knew me back then, and still knows me now by keeping my close friends with me. Since being home I have met a couple of other friends whose presence in my life has changed me for the better. Many are going their own ways so we don't see each other too often, but they have still changed my life.
     Whether it is sending friends to us in times of need, or answering the unsaid prayers. God is always there. His tender mercies fill our lives to remind us that He knows us and cares. I would invite you to take time and ponder His tender mercies in your life. If you are wondering if He loves you or want to know if He knows your deepest fears, I promise you can find the tender mercies that teach you that He is there. I testify of His love. He cares, always!